Self Esteem Issues? Who Me?

Now

I have self esteem issues... no one believes me. That is fine because it is not something I want to be known for when it is all said and done I want to be seen as a strong, confident woman.  My issues come and go and I guess it is only natural.  To have issues that is... right?

When I was in grade school, I was the one picked on by my class mates because I was "weird".  It sucked.  I had bigger boobs then everybody, a curvier figure and I had a target on me that I would have given anything to have removed.  Kids are mean.  eh. *shrugs*  It made me stronger in the long run and I have no need to go on Maury to show then how much better I am now.  Stupid Maury.  Stick to paternity shows.

High School was a little better but I was so self-conscious I developed a fetish for boys ankles... maybe appreciation would be a better word, less creepy.  I could not bring myself to look them in the eye.  I was always staring down and no one wore socks in the early 90's, so I appreciate ankles to this day. 

The only time that stuck out that anyone was really cruel was one time, at band camp in the pool, one kid (from grade school no less) tried to push me in shouting save the whales.  What an ass. 

Again, it made me have more compassion for animals others who have their own demons.

I discovered two things in High School... photography and baggy clothes.  The sad thing is... I was not as fat as I thought I was... don't get me wrong, I was no skinny mini but my self image was so much different then the actual photos in the year books.

College opened a whole new world.  I decided to attend community college until I could figure out what I wanted to do career wise.  I had a choice of three campuses and for convenience I went to the urban campus. 

I also started working downtown so this made things so much easier since I did not own a car.  Not having a car, my main mode of transport was the train and it was there that I got my first cat call... which I totally did not know that it was suppose to be a compliment.

Being from the suburbs - when someone comments on your big legs the right response would be one of humiliation.  Apparently, there is a whole group of men who like woman with curves and ass!  Who knew?  Well... I didn't until I showed up at work in tears because I thought I was looking really cute that day.  My male supervisor pulled me aside and explained to me what it meant.

You are probably thinking that was awkward... not as awkward as the skin head, named John Long, in HS explaining to me what 69 meant.  He actually was not a skin head, but he dressed the part.  Bald, big black boots, torn jeans, very grungy - I was actually a little attracted to him at the time.  I digress...

When I was working at in restaurants and night clubs, my world grew even more and I did not care at all if I was attractive, which oddly enough made me more attractive... Hello!  I bagged a hunk.

Fast forward to my *cough* mid 30s, two kids, a husband, a desk job and working around  much, much younger woman who are frankly, well, gorgeous...  my self esteem issues have been rearing their ugly heads.  Whispering in my ear and psyching me out, a little.

My inner image has gone through many transformations over the years - utter loathing to goddess to disgust to acceptance back to goddess.  I was in a disgust phase a few weeks ago and joined weight watchers... it was time. 

Right now... I don't mind looking at myself again *phew*  I know you are thinking... about time.  But with a Husband as a photographer it is very easy to be caught in the background of a candid kid shot wearing yoga pants, a t-shirt and no bra.  I also started wearing a little makeup again so at least when I am caught in that awkward shot my skin looks amazing!

I forget that I don't have self esteem issues.  I am not the one who has a low self image.  It is all of those other people around me that have issues that want to dump on me and try to bring me down to which I say... Kiss my big Irish/Slovak ass....  Did you miss the part that I bagged a hunk?








I wrote this because, today, I took the pledge to own my beauty and pass it on.  Let’s own it... Together.

Own Your Beauty is a groundbreaking, year-long movement bringing women together to change the conversation about what beauty means. Our mission: to encourage and remind grown women that it is never too late to learn to love one's self and influence the lives of those around us - our mothers, friends, children, neighbors. We can shift our minds and hearts and change the path we follow in the pursuit of authentic beauty.